Choose some rocking music to listen to, the heavier the better. You will need one full-length album or more.
Put some rice on to cook. If you wanna eat rice like an Anglo, you can use a much smaller serving size.
Make yourself a stiff drink. This one's a Firefly. Make sure you have enough liquor in the house for at least three more.
Chop some green onions. You want the green tips off one whole bunch. Put 'em in a big serving bowl and set aside.
Rip some dried red chiles into pieces and set aside. I like to use ten, but you can use less if you are some kind of pussy.
Make the sauce2 tbsp each soy sauce & cooking sherry (or shaoxing if you have it), 1 tbsp each sesame oil and brown sugar, 1 tsp worcestershire sauce.
Steam some broccoli. One minute in the microwave inside a ziplock bag is perfect.
Soak some dried mushrooms in boiling water (weigh them down with something). You'll be slicing them at the end of prep when they're soft - maybe fifteen minutes?
Take 1 chicken breast, trim & slice into small pieces (bite size is too big). You might only need half the breast. Eating like an Asian means meat is a flavoring, not the point of the meal.
Put a frying pan or wok over medium high with some peanut oil in it. One delicious but deadly alternative is to use bacon fat in case you keep it lying around like we do down south.
Set the table! Essentials include a large rice bowl, lots of ice water and plenty of napkins or kleenex (your nose will be running). If you're alone, you'll want something stimulating to read.
Stir fry those chile flakes for a minute until they bubble, then add the chicken.
Very soon after adding the chicken, add the sauce. Let it bubble and caramelize for a few minutes (trust me).
Add the sliced mushrooms (remember those?) and some dry roasted peanuts and stir fry for a bit.
Add the steamed broccoli last. Stir to coat!
Toss everything together in the serving bowl with the green onions.
Serve and enjoy! After dinner, don't forget to make love to your partner, or at least watch an action movie. Also, a cold mountain dew really hits the spot here. Slainte!